Silence, solitude, stillness and hummingbirds

For years I have put up my hummingbird feeder, even hung a red tee shirt, all in an attempt to call the hummingbirds to my garden.  All to no avail.

In early May this year, Tom and I were in a conference call in his office, at the front of the house.  The hummingbird feeder had always been in the backyard.  Tom's office looks out on the "rabbit hotel" ie the ugly and irritating juniper bushes along the front of the house. Suddenly in the midst of our conversation, a hummingbird appeared at the window and then in the bushes.  It was as if the hummingbird was looking in at us.

I wanted to excuse myself from the meeting and dash into the garage and rummage around for the hummingbird feeder. I'd put it away last year and said to myself, "I've tried long enough. I can always enjoy hummingbirds on Nova or YouTube."

I made the hummingbird nectar (lots of sugar, boiled to get out the bacteria then cooled) and put the feeder out.  We've not had daily hummingbirds this summer but they have been coming.

I find myself often sitting quietly on my back deck just fixated on the feeder.  Then one will arrive.  My phone pictures and video do not do justice to the experience.

So....it has taken the hummingbirds, the active, hyper little birds, to get me to sit still by myself during these lovely summer mornings and evenings.  I'm a task-oriented, extroverted person yet finding myself more drawn to the quiet.  I was excited to have 6 weeks at home without houseguests and travel these weeks.

While at a family reunion a few weeks with my very LOUD Italian family, I found myself disappearing for periods of time.  Many of us took long power walks together.  One day I'd gone ahead to take some pictures of the wildlife.  Here we were in a stunning setting with deer grazing, a quiet lake. Then the Italian ladies, heard before they are seen, appear on the road, laughing and talking.  Don't get me wrong....I love to laugh and talk.  The contrast was so intense.  I said to them, "Ladies, how about a little tranquility?"  We all laughed together.  But I've been thinking about that experience.

I don't think I'll ever be a person who spends hours in solitude, staring at hummingbird feeders.  Maybe it is age, but quiet, silence, aloneness with the Lord has definitely become more attractive.  Ironic, though, that the hyper little bird has helped me in this process.  Maybe I should become a bird watcher?  Fishing is also a quiet activity.

Learning about from the garden

Gardening might be considered a solitary hobby, not really for the person who is energized by people. Some of us extroverts do love to garden.  When I think of a gardener, I think of a big hat, dirty hands,  scrubby clothes... a woman or man working intently alone in a flower bed. I notice gardens.  I love gardens. However, I have had a very difficult time seeing my own garden flourish. As I mingle with the dirt, I often think about how the garden teaches me so much about the formation of my soul.

As I was digging in the clay, sweating in the sun the other day, I looked up over to my neighbor's garden. The contrast was stark.  Tulips, daffodils, poppies, lilacs.... color had burst from the ground. My garden...well, maybe anemic even ugly are the best descriptors. I sighed, having that sense of hopelessness again. I know my neighbor works in her garden, but not the hours that I put in. What is the problem?

 Yes, there are problems. For one thing, we have very poor quality dirt. Good garden soil costs money. Once on a walk with a friend, we noticed a beautiful front yard garden and the gardener, puttering happily.  Being the shy person that I am, I spoke, "You have a beautiful garden."  She said, "Would you like to see the backyard garden?"  We enthusiastically said yes and the gate opened to what looked like an English garden from a magazine or movie. She showed me bags and bags of Miracle Gro garden soil.  "I am adding this soil all the time to the soil over the summer. This is the only way to grow anything here in Colorado."  

So what would it take for my garden to thrive?  Okay, good soil 

The next problem, water. Colorado is basically a high desert.  We don't get a lot of rain. I PRAY for rain! We have an irrigation system, but....it is old and it does not reach all areas. It is a sprinkler system and in the dryness here, water  evaporates before it hits the ground.  (We turn on the system at 4am to avoid some of the evaporation.)

So what would it take for my garden to flourish?  More water!

Another problem....the pine tree.  Ah, that tree. I did not realize when we moved in that it is nearly impossible to grow anything under a pine tree. Our eldest son and my husband diligently created what was to be a gorgeous flower bed under the tree. We did not know that few plants or flowers would survive as the pine needles fell like rain, turning the soil toxic.  

What would it take for that garden to thrive?  Cutting down that tree

For my garden to thrive, I would have to need to make a real effort.

All this made me think about relationships. I have found that there are some relationships in my life that are just easy. It does not take much for those relationships to flourish.  There are other relationships that are a lot like my garden. For there to be any beauty or "fruit," the effort needed is enormous. 

I have shared these thoughts with someone who has a personality quite different than mine. Her response was, "If the relationship is not working or too much work, just give up."  I thought of my garden. Should I just give up and enjoy the beauty of my neighbor's garden?  There are some relationships that we probably should not give up on ie. marriage, family ties, work colleagues.  Actually, we can give up on any of those relationships in our contemporary culture, but should we?  

The alternative is to give those relationships the extra work, time, effort, and possibly money, needed for transformation.  

What can he or she do for the relationship to flourish? 

1.  The relationship needs some "new soil."

Help needs to be brought in from the outside (counseling?)

Mark 4: 8

Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times."

 2. The relationship needs life-giving "water. " 

The living water of Christ infused in the relationship can bring growth. Jesus is like the sun (a pun, kind of- The Son of God!) 

John 4:14

But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."

Encouraging, kind words are like water to a thirsty, parched relationship.

Psalm 110:7

He will drink from the brook by the wayside; Therefore he will lift up his head.

Proverbs 10: 11 (NLB)

The words of the godly are a life-giving fountain.

3. The relationship needs "tree removal." 

 I was thinking about adding Mark 9: 43 (Jesus using hyperbole!), but who wants to read about cutting off hands? You get the idea. The "tree" has to go.  If there is something toxic in the relationship, if at all possible, toxicity must be removed. Of course, this might be very difficult, again requiring time, effort, humility, healing.... a miracle of transformation in someone's character. 

4. The relationship needs hope.

Proverbs 13: 12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

As foolish as it might seem, every spring, I have renewed hope thatt the garden will be different this year.  I am not able to do some of the things that might make my gardening life easier, yet I don't give up.  I can say the same about dealing with relationships. Perseverance and hope are character qualities that don't just "spring up" (note the pun 😃).  Spiritual formation in my life takes perseverance, hope and trust in our Triune God. God, who made the sun and brings the rain, can bring life to a struggling garden.  He also can give life to a struggling relationship.  Jesus knows about relationships. He exists in perfect relationship with the Father and the Spirit.  Christ lived on earth with family and followers, experiencing relationships.

Don't give up on your garden or a troubled, difficult relationship. The transformation in YOU might be beauty you cannot imagine. 

Neighbor's garden now

My garden😔

Really "out there spiritual formation" looking for a church home

The plus and minus of finding a new church community:

My topic does not exactly fit the blog yet maybe it does. Spiritual formation happens during loneliness, change, feeling uncomfortable and in times of sadness.

For someone who has always attended church, and sees the value of the community, leaving one church and looking for another is a painful experience. Yes, I use the word "painful."  There are the losses of the leaving. What are those losses? Disappointment about what is going on at the church; the loss of friends and familiarity.

A little history: we had been attending a church for 19 years. The church has gone through many changes and difficulties.  We always sensed we would "hang in there."  Over these years, friends of ours changed church homes a number of times. I don't judge them for that-they had reasons. During the last few years, my husband felt compelled to find another community. He tried to connect with people and ministries at our church but there was no traction. I wanted to stay because I was involved with two ministries at the church and I don't like change. 

Finally in the last month, I decided I'd move out of familiar (as discouraging as the "familiar" truly has been) and we'd visit other churches on Sunday morning.

I found myself in tears and apprehension when I'd wake up on Sunday morning. I am an extrovert but I dreaded going into a new place. I would not know anyone. Most often no one would talk to us. I was not going to go up to people and start conversations. No matter how much churches tell their members or attendants to be friendly to strangers, it does not happen. There is that awful feeling of loneliness that takes over as we get in the car.

I found myself saying, "Let's go to another megachurch. That way we can be invisible and I might get a free gourmet coffee."

The megachurches all seem to be doing the same things.

 How to be a megachurch in the 21st century:

1. Have a sign or just have the pastor say, "Remember you are loved."  I hear that everywhere and it so bugs me. What is that supposed to mean? Sounds nice, just throwing it out there, but love means some kind of commitment and decision.  Meaningless words yet there they are.   Is this supposed to help the lonely, hurting person feel loved? How random is that.  

2. Make sure the worship leader is very hip- cool haircut, great clothes, smiles incessantly when not showing earnest emotion.

3. If there is a choir, make sure everyone dresses in the same color scheme. Funny thing from last week's visit, I actually wore the correct color scheme for choir participation.  My husband said, "With those hundred plus in the choir, you could have just walked up there and joined them." Should have. I wonder what people would have done. Probably nothing. I was invisible, remember?

4. Have a coffee bar. Yes, the plus of finding a new church- the new thing is the coffee bar and if you are a visitor, you get a coupon for a free gourmet coffee. Well, not at all the megachurches. Didn't happen last week. 

5. Setting the mood or whatever. Have strange geometrical shapes and changing colored lights blinking during the "worship singing."  I hope there are no seizure-prone people attending these services. Oddly enough, the colors change with the mood of the song and even the color of the pastor's shirt. 

6. About The pastor.  Shaved head is good. No suit- no way.  If the pastor does per chance wear a jacket, it needs to be one of those "Oh dear, that jacket looks small and tight on him."  Some pastors have "entrance music" sort of like "Here's Johnny" said Ed McMahon. (For younger readers, that is a reference to the Johnny Carson show.) 

7. About the "message."  I, for one, don't insist a verse by verse expositional sermon from the Bible at a church. What is important at these churches in the message is stories. And use that "story" word all the time to the point of irritation.

Being someone who believes that the Bible is God's Word and studying the Book of Acts in particular, I value community and church.  I still believe that we need accountability and relationships with people that are not just like us. I know that some Jesus followers don't attend a church these days. They might listen to sermons on line or attend a small group and consider that is the fellowship and community they need.  Those in the online church can hide well.  In a small group, people tend to become like each other and that is another form of isolation.

The churches in the book of Acts were diverse: Greeks, Jews, barbarians, Scythians (just learned about them from Hardcore History podcast- a scary, violent, murderous bunch) and I wouldn't doubt people of many different "colors" and ethnicities.  You won't get that listening to sermons online or being in a small group of friends. 

Besides the free gourmet coffee, what are "pluses" of this journey? Novelty, I suppose. Seeing what other churches are like. Noticing how many churches are similar. Hearing different pastors preach. Being able to write a somewhat cynical blog.

 I will readily admit a couple of the sermons during the church-home-hunt have really touched my mind and spirit. 

So the search continues.

I am thinking about calling churches and asking if there is a free gourmet coffee for first-time visitors.

A friend alerted me to this link.  I ditto what Pamela Hawkins wrote!
http://day1.org/2722-extroverted_contemplation

Extroverted Contemplation

January 26, 2011

by Pamela C. Hawkins

I am still sifting through the comments of a couple of my friends. I tend to trust that God has joined me in this kind of pondering when a seemingly sidebar conversation settles into my thoughts and makes a home there until I go back and check it out. On two different occasions when talking about our spiritual lives and practices, my friends each said that they were “not contemplatives” because they just had no desire to be alone and quiet with God. They each consider "contemplative" as a kind of static, inactive [but not passive] way of being with God. And, they each described their spirituality as active and mission oriented.

Because I know and love these friends, I was less inclined to become defensive on the spot as I might, had the comments been made by strangers. Because I do long for, seek, and experience God in solitude and silence, I am often characterized as a contemplative. But I also act. God presses and leads me to an active engagement in the world, and although that may not come as easily for me as for my friends for whom that is a primary response to God, it is still part of my longing and life.

But what I have really had on my mind is the question: what is contemplation? What are the marks of a contemplative life? Can contemplation not also be an extroverted, active response? I really believe so. I have seen people who light up and burn with the love of God, as if no one else is around, while they are engaged in mission and outreach. They seem at one with God in moments of extroverted, passionate care for God’s world and creation. Can that not be a form of contemplation?

How each of us finds our home in God, become one with God’s call for our life, become more formed in the image of God-With-Us, this will vary like snowflakes or river rocks. But ultimately, if we seek God personally, communally, and long to attend to God individually [even when in a crowd or in worship or in a cloister or in a classroom], is this not all space for contemplation?

Pamela C. Hawkins is a United Methodist pastor currently serving The Upper Room as managing editor ofWeavings: A Journal of the Christian Spiritual Life. Prior to her work with Weavings, she served in local church, seminary, and editorial ministries giving particular attention to spiritual life practices and care of clergy and lay leaders.

The Sabbath

Is The Sabbath an archaic, anachronistic tradition or is it something worthwhile and for our good?

In many books on Spiritual Disciplines, keeping the Sabbath is listed as a spiritual practice. In some Christian traditions, it's still a commandment.

Once when facilitating a session on Sabbath-keeping, I received a lot of "push-back" from some of the students referring to Hebrews 4: 9, "There remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God."  Because of what Christ accomplished on the cross, we don't have to "keep the Sabbath holy."

However, what if Sabbath-keeping is a good idea?  And what would that look like?

Why would Sabbath-keeping be a good idea?

 I think many with a secular mindset use Sundays as a day off.  Some might bike ride, watch football games, and do no work.  For a believer, what would a day different from the rest of the week look like?

Some might see church as a way of making the day different. I think that is a reasonable.  What other things could we cut out that would give us a unique, even restful day?  How about not using the computer for work or catching up on emails?

There are some excellent books, written in the last twenty-five years about Sabbath-keeping. The first one I read was Keep the Sabbath Wholly, by Marva Dawn. One of the main themes is that when we choose not to accomplish task after task related to our "work," on a Sabbath day, whatever that might be, we are kind of saying, "I am not so indispensable that I cannot take time off from work."  I pondered that thought. Being a person who thrives on accomplishing tasks, checking off items on my do-list, giving up a day of "work" feels unnerving.  I do not think of what I do as so important but I do like to finish things and get things done.

What would a Sabbath day look like?  I think this would vary widely. For some it might mean going to church, sitting in worship and listening to biblical teaching, connecting with friends. For another, that might seem like "work" on some Sundays or might even be "work" for a pastor or person on a church staff.

For a person energized by people, Sabbath-keeping might be having coffee with a friend and talking about vacation plans or something life-giving. For a person who is exhausted by people, Sabbath-keeping might be a day alone, reading and resting.

How about gardening? I am refreshed as I garden but then I am also accomplishing tasks......

How a person makes that one day unique might also change at different times of life. I think of my adult children who are now caring for babies and toddlers. How do parents of young children or even teens practice Sabbath?  I would suggest that Sabbath-keeping would be minimal in terms of requirement and maximum on simplicity and refreshment. Taking a nap might be the most "holy" practice for young parents.

Simply, a Sabbath day would be a day different from the rest of the week where the focus is God.   When I write "focus on God," I mean everything about God that includes creation, the beauty of the world, Jesus Christ, God's Word. The list could go on and on.  Some might find thinking on deep theological issues refreshing on the Sabbath, reading the Bible or a good book that is focused on God.

I thought about Sabbath when I visited Miami Beach last year.  On Friday night, I watched groups of Orthodox Jews walk to the synagogue. Some of the men wore the traditional hats (two different kinds actually) and the women wore head coverings and long skirts.  No one drove in a car.  I wondered if "less Orthodox" Jews wore more contemporary dress during the other 6 days then wore more traditional outfits and did not drive on the Sabbath.  Senator Joseph Lieberman wrote a short book on the Sabbath  and he wrote how he would not drive or even be in a car after sunset on a Friday night if he had to work late at the Capital. He walked to the synagogue then home along the streets in Washington DC.

For me, including a Sabbath day takes planning. Jews actually do just that, they plan.  Starting on Wednesday that week, the faithful begin to plan their work so that they will be finished for the Sabbath.

What is important is finding that balance of truly making the day unique, spending time thinking about God, thinking about things that truly matter and not becoming burdened with self-imposed obligations that result in restlessness, worry and tension.  We who believe in Christ and what He did for us have this wonderful freedom in how we live.  I wonder how the Orthodox Jews with their clothing requirements and knowing their strict regulations, feel as they fulfill the regulations of their Sabbath.  Do they find this a burden or a joy? Possibly the structure they have kept for centuries is attractive and might be life-giving and refreshing.

One wonders too, "What might God think about all this?  Does He care?"  Is He delighted that we might take time out of the madness of our culture to think of Him, make a day different from the rest and possibly feel more encouraged with the coming week?  I write all this because people describe their lives as harried, busy, overwhelming, hectic, exhausting. We cannot be going on vacation all the time and often our vacations are harried and hectic. So maybe God's commandment He gave Moses is ultimately for our health and well-being.

Integrating an excellent blog on silence and culture

Please check out Alex Berger's entire blog listed below.

"Silence. It is something Americans hate. In your typical American conversation you’ll rarely find such a thing as a comfortable silence, a reflective silence, or a natural silence.  For the average American in a normal conversation there’s really only one type of silence and that is awkward silence. A type of silence that we’re taught from childhood to avoid at all costs. This stems in large part from the American conversational approach which I think can best be described as conversational layering with each person quickly layering on new overlapping information in rapid succession. Add in the fast-paced rapid-fire approach to speaking common among most Americans and you’ve got a recipe for frustration and perceived arrogance when talking to Nordics / Scandinavians (and other internationals)." 

- See more at: http://virtualwayfarer.com/nordic-conversations-are-different/#sthash.MKxqF1xE.dpuf

The author analyzes American conversation habits especially related to silence and the Nordic culture.  I do not think all Americans converse as he portrays our culture.  Maybe he perceives most Americans as extroverts but I know some very quiet people in my culture. However, his points are perceptive, well-taken and instructive.

1. Americans practice what he calls affirmation behavior in a conversation.  I would  say extroverts do this, generally speaking. I know this from having strong introverts in my family.  I say something and I not only do not get a verbal response, but often there is no facial movement and I wonder if I've been heard (especially if the person has some hearing loss!) I say this as the speaker.  Alex Berger, author of the blog, makes a good point that when a non-American (and I would change this to introvert) is speaking and the listener is trying to communicate sympathy, affirmation, interest, engagement or agreement, the speaker might take this communication a different way.  "I’ve found they often confuse non-native speakers who see them either as an interruption, inquiry, or dismissive attempt to speed the person up."  I APPRECIATE this perspective as it had not occurred to me.

2. His second point related to interruptions.  As an extrovert, I confess that I do this. I get very excited in a conversation and I will blurt something out. I am not proud of this behavior and work at restraint.   Alex Berger wrote that an American (again, extroverted American in my thinking) will jump into a conversation during a brief pause when the speaker really is just collecting his or her thoughts and not finished yet.

3. Then there are the long sentences and tangents of "American" speakers. Guilty.  He wrote that Nordic people pride themselves on simple, concise sentences. People that speak in simple, short sentences have probably done all the thinking and processing in their heads before they speak.  An extrovert, as I have mentioned before in this blog, processes verbally, out loud, sometimes even talking to herself.  However, yes, I can see this might really frustrate a "Nordic" person.

4. I like this next point: perceived unhappiness. I smile here. Yes, I admit when I am talking with someone who does not move a facial muscle, stares at me, makes no noise in a conversation, I think the person is upset about something, uninterested, bored or considers me stupid. 

5. Extroverts really have to control themselves with his next point: jumping in to help a person find a word. He is so right that "Americans" want to help a person find a word in English during a conversation.  The truth is, extroverts often do this talking to people in their home culture. Alex Berger said that this trait can come across as disrespectful and I would add, a way of rushing the conversation. Americans as a culture tend to rush. We are not the only contemporary rushing culture. Has anyone out there been to Singapore or Hong Kong???

What does all this have to do with spiritual formation? I think about transformation in character through the power of Christ.  Transformation of my character takes place in conversation with others, especially developing as a good listener.

Why I am a talker but not a talking head

I am always excited and thankful for the opportunity to teach. I've been working hard on a few presentations.  I enjoy the process of preparing to teach. In the past, I would study, put together the message in manuscript form, stand in front of the group, and present my ideas. I struggled a bit with anxiety, but as an extrovert when I got up front, I'd eventually relax and engage with the group.

Recently I've been challenged in my thinking about teaching because I've been considering what the adult students are actually learning.  Jane Vella is the guru (although she was actually a Catholic nun) of adult learning.  The titles of two of her books hint at some of her foundational principles:

Learning to Listen, Learning to teach: The Power of Dialogue in Educating Adults

Training Through Dialogue: Promoting Effective Learning and Change in Adults

For these presentations, I decided I would employ some of her interactive learning methods in order to promote effective learning and change in the adult students.

As a person interested in helping Christians become conformed to the image of Christ and see real transformation in our character and actions, I am interested in change. How much change takes place in the students when I stand before them and speak at them? I've often compiled handouts with the idea that this would enhance learning. I wonder if those handouts with extra material were even read.

During the week when I will be presenting in May, the students will be listening to other teachers for many hours each day.  I feel like I need to engage them differently.  My topic is Christian Spiritual Formation. I will be speaking about spiritual disciplines, those practices that cooperate with the Holy Spirit living in us for the purpose of personal transformation.

I have found my grand idea a bit harder to accomplish than I anticipated!  When I was more concerned about what I had to say, my "pearls of wisdom", and NOT on the students' learning (another Jane Vella title: How do They Know They Know: Evaluating Adult Learning), the study task was a whole lot easier.

Something I've had to give up is control.  When a teacher is standing in front of students, reading or referring to his or her notes or manuscript, the teacher has control of the situation.  When the teacher or presenter gives the students the opportunity for active involvement and dialogue, control goes out the window. Anything can happen!  If this is the first time to present, anxiety can raise its ugly head. Control may go out the window, but apparently learning increases exponentially.

I've not followed Vella's formula completely. Although as I studied her material I am trying to implement her principles into these sessions.

I am still in the process of preparing so I will have to report when it's all over.  I will keep this image before me to make sure I will not be a talking head!