Integrating an excellent blog on silence and culture

Please check out Alex Berger's entire blog listed below.

"Silence. It is something Americans hate. In your typical American conversation you’ll rarely find such a thing as a comfortable silence, a reflective silence, or a natural silence.  For the average American in a normal conversation there’s really only one type of silence and that is awkward silence. A type of silence that we’re taught from childhood to avoid at all costs. This stems in large part from the American conversational approach which I think can best be described as conversational layering with each person quickly layering on new overlapping information in rapid succession. Add in the fast-paced rapid-fire approach to speaking common among most Americans and you’ve got a recipe for frustration and perceived arrogance when talking to Nordics / Scandinavians (and other internationals)." 

- See more at: http://virtualwayfarer.com/nordic-conversations-are-different/#sthash.MKxqF1xE.dpuf

The author analyzes American conversation habits especially related to silence and the Nordic culture.  I do not think all Americans converse as he portrays our culture.  Maybe he perceives most Americans as extroverts but I know some very quiet people in my culture. However, his points are perceptive, well-taken and instructive.

1. Americans practice what he calls affirmation behavior in a conversation.  I would  say extroverts do this, generally speaking. I know this from having strong introverts in my family.  I say something and I not only do not get a verbal response, but often there is no facial movement and I wonder if I've been heard (especially if the person has some hearing loss!) I say this as the speaker.  Alex Berger, author of the blog, makes a good point that when a non-American (and I would change this to introvert) is speaking and the listener is trying to communicate sympathy, affirmation, interest, engagement or agreement, the speaker might take this communication a different way.  "I’ve found they often confuse non-native speakers who see them either as an interruption, inquiry, or dismissive attempt to speed the person up."  I APPRECIATE this perspective as it had not occurred to me.

2. His second point related to interruptions.  As an extrovert, I confess that I do this. I get very excited in a conversation and I will blurt something out. I am not proud of this behavior and work at restraint.   Alex Berger wrote that an American (again, extroverted American in my thinking) will jump into a conversation during a brief pause when the speaker really is just collecting his or her thoughts and not finished yet.

3. Then there are the long sentences and tangents of "American" speakers. Guilty.  He wrote that Nordic people pride themselves on simple, concise sentences. People that speak in simple, short sentences have probably done all the thinking and processing in their heads before they speak.  An extrovert, as I have mentioned before in this blog, processes verbally, out loud, sometimes even talking to herself.  However, yes, I can see this might really frustrate a "Nordic" person.

4. I like this next point: perceived unhappiness. I smile here. Yes, I admit when I am talking with someone who does not move a facial muscle, stares at me, makes no noise in a conversation, I think the person is upset about something, uninterested, bored or considers me stupid. 

5. Extroverts really have to control themselves with his next point: jumping in to help a person find a word. He is so right that "Americans" want to help a person find a word in English during a conversation.  The truth is, extroverts often do this talking to people in their home culture. Alex Berger said that this trait can come across as disrespectful and I would add, a way of rushing the conversation. Americans as a culture tend to rush. We are not the only contemporary rushing culture. Has anyone out there been to Singapore or Hong Kong???

What does all this have to do with spiritual formation? I think about transformation in character through the power of Christ.  Transformation of my character takes place in conversation with others, especially developing as a good listener.

Why I am a talker but not a talking head

I am always excited and thankful for the opportunity to teach. I've been working hard on a few presentations.  I enjoy the process of preparing to teach. In the past, I would study, put together the message in manuscript form, stand in front of the group, and present my ideas. I struggled a bit with anxiety, but as an extrovert when I got up front, I'd eventually relax and engage with the group.

Recently I've been challenged in my thinking about teaching because I've been considering what the adult students are actually learning.  Jane Vella is the guru (although she was actually a Catholic nun) of adult learning.  The titles of two of her books hint at some of her foundational principles:

Learning to Listen, Learning to teach: The Power of Dialogue in Educating Adults

Training Through Dialogue: Promoting Effective Learning and Change in Adults

For these presentations, I decided I would employ some of her interactive learning methods in order to promote effective learning and change in the adult students.

As a person interested in helping Christians become conformed to the image of Christ and see real transformation in our character and actions, I am interested in change. How much change takes place in the students when I stand before them and speak at them? I've often compiled handouts with the idea that this would enhance learning. I wonder if those handouts with extra material were even read.

During the week when I will be presenting in May, the students will be listening to other teachers for many hours each day.  I feel like I need to engage them differently.  My topic is Christian Spiritual Formation. I will be speaking about spiritual disciplines, those practices that cooperate with the Holy Spirit living in us for the purpose of personal transformation.

I have found my grand idea a bit harder to accomplish than I anticipated!  When I was more concerned about what I had to say, my "pearls of wisdom", and NOT on the students' learning (another Jane Vella title: How do They Know They Know: Evaluating Adult Learning), the study task was a whole lot easier.

Something I've had to give up is control.  When a teacher is standing in front of students, reading or referring to his or her notes or manuscript, the teacher has control of the situation.  When the teacher or presenter gives the students the opportunity for active involvement and dialogue, control goes out the window. Anything can happen!  If this is the first time to present, anxiety can raise its ugly head. Control may go out the window, but apparently learning increases exponentially.

I've not followed Vella's formula completely. Although as I studied her material I am trying to implement her principles into these sessions.

I am still in the process of preparing so I will have to report when it's all over.  I will keep this image before me to make sure I will not be a talking head!

Spiritual director, coach, mentor,disciple-maker, counselor???

Having formally studied the topic of spiritual formation, someone asked me recently, "Are you a spiritual director?"  I was not sure how to answer that question.  I spend a lot of time with people talking about their spiritual lives. Often I feel like what I do fits into any one one of those titles.  One of the reasons I don't have a business card is that I don't know what to put on it. I think I might just put my name and email address.

Going from last to first titles, here are my thoughts:

Counselor:  One of my friends was a very busy wife and mother when she decided to earn her masters degree in counseling.  She studied long and hard.  She also put in the time and energy to gain certification. She is a professional. She meets weekly with clients, attends professional conferences, and reads extensively so she can really serve her clients. She is my friend and when we meet we often discuss clinical issues. I have learned a lot about psychotherapy from her.

Disciple-maker:  I originally listed discipler not disciple-maker, but a squiggly red line appeared underneath the word as I expected since discipler is not a word.  Dallas Willard was one of the people who used the word apprentice to describe a person who is following Jesus as well as looking to a more experienced believer for leadership and training.  I asked Google, "What is the name of the person who trains an apprentice?"  I did not find an answer but I did notice that the contemporary term for an apprentice is intern.  I use the phrase disciple-maker because disciple is a biblical word and my profession (my life?) has revolved around the Bible.  Jesus' last command was, "Go and make disciples......" (Matthew 28: 19,20).

A few years ago I met a young woman who had recently decided to follow Christ. She asked me to disciple her.  Every Wednesday night she came over to my home and we sat together, going over different aspects of the Christian life.  She did not shadow me as an apprentice might.  I hoped I was encouraging her to "shadow Christ" each day. She was like a "dry sponge," very eager to learn. There was a high degree of accountability in our relationships that she put on herself.  She always did homework before our times together.  I saw this relationship as making a disciple of Jesus.

Mentor: I will use the above young lady as an example of the protege-mentor relationship.  At this time in our friendship....momentary diversion: (She is a dear friend as most people I interact with become a friend. Remember an extrovert has MANY FRIENDS and I consider them all special. Yes, they can ALL be special.)  At this time in our friendship, our relationship is not so much about the basics of the Christian life as now she asks questions about specific skills of ministering and serving others.  She does ask good questions but I also share ideas and thoughts with her that are more directive.

Coach: Coaching is really a rather new concept in Christian circles.  I think the idea is relatively new in business circles as well.  There are all kinds of opportunities to learn to coach and become certified so that a person can make big bucks coaching.  I know of a man who charges $400/hour to coach in the business context.  Coaching (note this is not athletic coaching; that kind of coaching is more directive) has these two basic characteristics:  The coachee (not a word, try again), learner, student directs the sessions;  The coach's skill is in asking the right questions and listening so that the plan for change comes from the learner and not the coach.

I am in the role of coach with a very capable and mature woman now.  She was selected for coaching for her own development personally as well as for her contribution to the organization she works for. I am a bit of a novice so the coaching questions don't come naturally but I am learning.

Spiritual director:  I've been a follower of Jesus for forty years but only heard of a spiritual direction ten years ago while I studied in a spiritual formation degree program at a seminary.  Spiritual directors have been active in Catholicism, my spiritual heritage, for centuries although I'd never heard of a spiritual director.  Nuns and priests engaged and acted as spiritual directors but spiritual directors did not really operate in the church at large. What makes a spiritual director different from all the above?  First, spiritual directors target our human orientation of independence from God and others and our proclivity to sin.  I hesitate writing sin only because at this time in history, people tend to dismiss the concept of sin.  We all have the propensity for self absorption, rebellion, stubbornness, gossip, anger, harsh words.  I could go on but all those things are sin. And the word sin is in the Bible.

Spiritual directors do not solve psychological problems per se.  Even though some Christian counselors have moved away from counseling in the clinically sense and only practice spiritual direction, I think there is still a need for counselors. I have been in situations when I knew that the dysfunction was beyond anything I could do except pray for the individual.

A spiritual director's hope is to guide the person to listen to the Holy Spirit, through the Bible, through the still small voice of the Lord, and even through words of the person's community.  A mentor gives his or her opinion, teaches and trains.  A spiritual director must be a person who listens more than speaks, prays more than asks good questions, and directs the person toward a greater intimacy with God.

A coach must be trained to listen and ask astute questions to help a person grow personally and professionally.  A spiritual director anticipates growth for his or her client (not really a good word but directee is not a word). However the growth may not be quickly or easily discernible because the transformation is between the person and God.

I had a number of sessions with a spiritual director. The woman appeared to have a deep relationship with God.  She had walked with God many years and that alone attracted me. We had very different personalities and theological backgrounds.

Can anyone be a spiritual director?  I met a man who had been a pastor, had theological training and decided to hang a shingle, set a fee structure, make a business card and become a spiritual director. Who is or should be a spiritual director?  A spiritual director can be described as: a person who has an cherished and enduring history with God; a follower of Jesus with a thorough and ever growing understanding of the Bible; a thinking and discerning person with a steadfast prayer life; and a person with an almost burning desire to encourage people toward an understanding that God as we know Him in Trinity truly is personal, loving, gracious and good.