The other day a friend asked me how I have seen the Word of God transform my life over the last 35 plus years. Do you know what came to my mind besides nothing? "How about that anxiety issue?" I cringe thinking about this. I hear a friend say, "I don't worry. I just don't." Or a guy that had taken me out for ice cream during a Christian summer training program, "You know, you get this look on your face and a crease on your forehead. It's kind of intense. You're going to get a wrinkle there." (I was 23 at the time.) He was prophetic. I have a "worry line" on my forehead.
So what could I say to this friend who was actually taping me for a video about Bible study and spiritual transformation? I don't remember what I said. I recall what I did not say. I did not say, "The study of God's Word has transformed me from anxiety to peace."
I have tried everything. Really I have. I have memorized, meditated, studied, and yelled Philippians 4: 6,7. I have chanted Isaiah 26: 3. Yet my heart still pounds.
Speaking of pounds, here's an anxiety story. I went for my annual check up. I usually look away during scale time. And I did this time, but somehow I caught sight of my weight on the chart. Shock. The nurse took my blood pressure next and said, "Um, your blood pressure is rather high. Are you anxious about anything?"
"No," I lied.
Thankfully I lost most of that weight by the next annual and the doctor was very proud of me and my lower cholesterol.
God, was it really a sin to be anxious when my son had not returned home at the right time and I cannot get him on his cell phone? Is it a sin when I stand up in front of a group and feel my face turn red and become short of breath? Is it a sin that my pulse quickens when I think of moving? (Alert: my family moved once during my adolescent years.This apparently scarred me for life.) Not blaming my father at all! But the move caused some dysfunction in the anxiety area
I bought a Groupon for a massage to treat myself while husband was out of town. Mistake. First of all, the masseur turned out to be a former or still hippie, quite "in touch with the spiritual world."
"You are really wound up. There are some spirits who might be able to help you if you would like an inner wellness session for the low price....," she informed me.
If I was not buck naked under the blanket at that moment, I would have high-tailed it out of there.
So to answer my friend, well, spiritual transformation in this, maybe, I can call it my "besetting sin," has not happened. Maybe calling it my besetting sin makes it okay?
I am not a serene, calm, composed, cool as a cucumber, tranquil, placid, stoic individual. When I am around most leaders in the spiritual formation world, I shrink in self consciousness. They are composed, quiet, not agitated in the least. No, I am not Adult Attention Deficient. I can sit for hours working at my desk, studying the Bible or reading. Yet I feel evaluated on a great spiritual formation scale just being in the room with these actually lovely people. It's not them. I know that.
Back to the anxiety issue. Here's a verse for anxiety. "I will never leave you nor forsake you" Hebrews 13: 5) Jesus is out there with me in the anxiety. Maybe He would not mind if I took an occasional Valium to calm down? One thing for sure. Anxiety has kept me humble. Anxiety has kept me clingy.
Deuteronomy 13: 4 - You shall follow the Lord your God and fear Him; and you shall keep His commandments, listen to His voice, serve Him, and cling to Him.
Psalm 119: 31 I cling to Your testimonies; O Lord, do not put me to shame!
Romans 12: 9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.
So here is to high anxiety and the hope of less of it in the future.
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